Spectrum

It's been a long, long while. Nearly a whole year since I wrote anything on this blog. So long in fact that I have spent the last half an hour battling to find my way here, trying old passwords in vain and being asked cunning questions by Google like, "When was the last time you logged on to your blog?"Aaagh- I don't bloody know do I. Anyway, panic over that I had lost myself in the ether net. One additional digit and here I am again.

The photos and ramblings stopped for a while and I am hesitant to begin again.... This year has been a contradiction of conflict and understanding.Our daughter was finally diagnosed with Asperger's in July. I could not write for anger and frustration, for doubt and exhaustion, for needing to read anything I could find to understand and writing the worst about our child so as to be believed ( I wouldn't recommend that).  I  spun around in turmoil with the amount of people that would tell me how "normal" my child was when I was crying out to say "I need to tell you.This isn't right". So it was easier to catch my voice in my throat, unless I was sure I was believed.Thankfully some people did believe us.

It felt a betrayal to write about my beautiful lovely daughter and our daily struggles and still does.Would I want someone to write about me without my knowing, pretty sure not! So here I am, not sure where to go now with this blog. I have never been one for chit chat when I have fire and passion raging and I don't think a whole blog on my old dog going senile is really going to fulfill me or you dearest reader...(though please if anyone wants to hear about endless trips to open the front door at night and trying to turn a chubby old dog away from the wall she is barking at please feel free to contact me.)

I digress.

On the day that we had the results of our daughter's assessment we took her for her usual riding lesson.The conversation turned to passions and our daughter talked about loving the Harry Potter books ( currently on the fourth time of reading the whole series ). Her riding teacher clearly has a big passion for horses and she looked at me with her shiny smiley eyes, knowing nothing about me and seeing me every week and simply asked "What's your passion?". I felt like there should be a big space that I could run into, my passion flying like a banner, but there was only empty exhaustion and somehow I said a little hysterically, "I don't remember". And I really laughably couldn't. Drama aside, it took me a couple of weeks to remember.



Today for the first time in an age I took my camera and went with my daughter into the late autumn sun. The early morning transformed by the heavy frost.We looked at our familiar landscape anew. She with her camera, me with mine.This is the way I saw it :)

xxx

See you here or there or somewhere.